2013 End of the Year Cheers!

I'll be honest- 2013 was definitely not my year. It was the worst year of my life (well, it is for now). The only thing good about it was the first half (hello summer friends!), but I remember everything else to be a horrible mess- failure, disappointment, and psychotic emotions.

That being said, 2013 was also the year I grew the most. It was the year I started trying- trying to write better and blog more, trying to rekindle my interest in the piano, and trying to become a better person. It was the year I came to a lot of realizations- more than I ever have in my past years of existence. And admittedly, it was the year I turned slightly darker and less happy-go-lucky, which makes me a bit sad, now that I think about it.

2013 was the year I fell in love. Or... perhaps I don't know what love is yet. But it was the year I got a peek at what love could be- which is everything between admiration and inexplicable happiness to resentment and the urge to disappear forever. It was the year I actually found interest in someone, became gloomy and depressed for a few months, and eventually got over it.

Most of all, 2013 was probably the year I turned angsty. It makes me laugh now that I think about it. 2013 was The Order of The Phoenix to my life's Harry Potter- a startlingly good analogy, but kind of on the weird side. I started hating everyone and everything and kept to myself in my bedroom like a hermit for more than enough times I can remember.

And now that it's time to bid goodbye to this time period, I don't feel particularly sad like the rest of my friends are. Instead, I am looking forward to 2014. It'll definitely be a year of change- a new environment, new responsibilities and dangers, and new insights. I don't know if I can handle these changes, but I sure am up for them. Whatever may happen, I am certain that 2014 will be big.

I just hope I don't die next year, because that will suck a lot. (Random thought, sorry).

Things I liked about 2013:
1.) A certain summer program
2.) Catching Fire and Doctor Who 50th Anniversary
3.) Deepening friendships
4.) Actually not being a robot and... experiencing emotions.

Things I'm excited for in 2014:
1.) College!
2.) Living in Manila
3.) Being less uptight.
4.) Not seeing all of my horrible teachers anymore.
5.) Lots of free time!
6.) Movies! (TFIOS, etc)
7.) Reunions!

xoxo
Bea

Hong Kong Trip Day 1: Marco Polo HK Hotel

This is the first of what I plan to be a series of posts highlighting our Family Christmas get-together at Hong Kong. Here I go:

We got up at around four o'clock am (my parents probably woke up earlier though), left my aunt's complex at five, and reached the airport sometime after that. It felt more relaxed compared to our other to-the-airport travels- which usually involve a lot of rushing, yelling, leaving things behind, and stress.  Plenty of stress.

The plane ride was kind of crappy. The airline service didn't include free snacks, our seats were cramped up and we barely had enough legroom. Moreso, my eye popped when I was asleep. I spent most of the plane ride asleep, and pressure started building up in my ears. My theory is that pressure first builds up in your ears and nose, and then it goes to your eyes. That's probably what happened. I woke up with a horrible ache in the internal part of my right eye, and it hasn't been the same since. I just hope it'll be gone tomorrow.

We met up with my relatives (from the mother's side) and spent the rest of the day walking around places, checking out some stores as we waited for the check-in hour for the hotel we booked at. There was this really beautiful park we stayed at for quite some time. It's a shame I couldn't get a picture of it. The architecture was amazing.

Speaking of that, the architecture in Hong Kong is spectacular. Compared to my own country, you can really feel that the citizens pay attention to the external structure of their buildings. Most of the structures in Hong Kong are carefully planned out and well-maintained. 

The weather, meanwhile, was chilly, but not too cold. Or not as cold as I thought it'd be (but perhaps that's because of my thick sweater). The heat of the sun and cold air make a wonderful combination.

When we finally had access our hotel room, it was like the cherry on top of what is (for now) a very fun and relaxing vacation. I think choosing a highclass hotel, though somewhat expensive, really pays off because the quality is very different.

(I'll post more pics when I get home)

The room was sufficiently spacious, had beautiful decorations and a great feel. The best part about choosing to stay at Marco Polo HK Hotel, however, is the jaw-dropping view of the ocean/harbor outside our room. You are able to watch the sunset (which is what I'm doing at this very moment) while relaxing in your bed and listening to calming instrumental music.

One thing that can be improved, though, is the bathroom- which is tinier and less grand that what you'd expect. Of course, that's the only flaw of this otherwise perfect room.

(Extra note: the wifi speed is really fast!)

That's it for now. My family and I might go to The Peak later. I'm not really sure.

Future destinations:

Hong Kong Disneyland

Ocean Park

 

Xoxo

Bea

Gamer Girls

Give me a moment to rant about this:

I saw a status on Facebook in which someone asked if people preferred 'gamer girlfriends' or 'chicks'. This girl's post was going along the lines of- non-gamer girlfriends indulged themselves in 'typical girl shit' and gamer girls were better than 'regular' girls. She didn't consider herself to be part of the female population and therefore immune to whatever insult she threw at the rest of us.

I know that the status wasn't meant to be offensive in any way, and I have nothing against girl gamers, but this way of thinking, to me, is just... I dunno, insolent and narcissistic?

It's as though being a 'girl gamer' magically makes one special and above all the other girls out there, as though one's personality is irrelevant, and a woman's value can be determined by a label she associates herself with. This goes for all 'types of girls' out there - weirdos, hipsters, nerds, heavy metal fans, fangirls, etc.

At the end of the day, what makes you special is you. This line is horribly cliche, but it's something a huge number of people hear but don't understand. When you refuse to change yourself, when you refuse to consort to the standard of society, you are unique. You are special.

So, stop believing that gamer girls are special because they enjoy hardcore games and 'typical girls can't'. They are special in the same way that everyone else is. Let us not associate ourselves with a label so much that it overrides everything else and becomes the only thing we are- writers tend to avoid those kinds of characters because they are one-dimensional. Humans are complex. Be complex, embrace every part of yourself, and don't put down others who might not like the same things as you do.

Everyone is and should be more than a label.

Intense Questions from Tumblr (part 2)

• Click here for part one!
• Source: http://spacedoutsparrow.tumblr.com/

• Let's Go!

• J. Could you live without having sex ever (again) in exchange for eternal youth?
• Eternal youth isn't that tempting anyway. Your friends and loved ones will grow old and die but you are trapped by your own body, forever having to distance yourself from people because they'll die anyway, and unable to kill yourself because of this curse. Yup, I'm kind of dramatic.
• K. Have you ever watched a full length pornographic movie?
• NO! :)
• L. The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?
• I don't have sufficient knowledge on either, but I'll pick The Beatles because I know more songs of theirs.
• M. If you could have the ability to manipulate matter or energy, which would you choose?
• Energy! Because... that'd be hella awesome!
• N. What was the worst nightmare you ever had?
• Can't remember, but I did have a recurring dream in my childhood in which three witches chased me around the house and it just went on and on until I woke up tired and sweaty.
• O. Would you rather spend one year with your one true love just to never see them again or the rest of your life with second best?
• Uh, uh, uh... rest of my life with second best!
• P. All the sequels/remakes/adaptations/rip-offs in movies nowadays, good or bad?
• Good! Fans are so aggressive that the movies are mostly pressured to be perfect and accurate.
• Q. Would you rather be dirt poor and emotionally fulfilled in life or be rich beyond imagination and emotionally dissatisfied for life?
• Dirt poor... because I wouldn't go asking for more if I'm emotionally fulfilled, and therefore what is the use of money if I'm not asking for it? That being said, I do wish I'd be at least a middle class citizen... I dunno...

Intense Questions from Tumblr

I came across this while browsing on tumblr. Seemed fun. I'll do A to G first, and the rest later.
Source: http://spacedoutsparrow.tumblr.com/

• 
  
• A. If you could get away with one murder in your lifetime without any legal, social, or emotional repercussions, would you kill someone?
• I was trying to think of someone I wanted to kill or a reason to murder, but nothing came up. Nope.
• 
  
• B. What is your first thought when you receive a message on Tumblr, are you excited for the idea of someone from potentially the other side of the world wanting to talk to you or fearful that someone will criticize you?
• Really excited. :) I don't get messages often, so every message is special.
• 
  
• C. Have you ever looked down on someone because you thought your religious views were superior?
• Possibly when I was young, but nope nope nope.
• 
  
• D. Would you rather know everything the universe has to offer but in exchange lose all emotions or remain the way you are now?
• What is there to be gained from knowing everything in the universe? I mean, humans are naturally curious. We love exploring ,discovering, and witnessing the world around us. Knowing everything wouldn't make life more fun or exciting. It would make it boring and useless, since... well, you'd be able to predict everything. What else do we humans thrive on?

Listen

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." -Stephen R. Covey

This quote appeared in my feed this morning and it had too much of a semblance to something I told someone the other day for me to resist blogging about it. A couple of days ago, my mother and I got into a huge fight. I was livid, she was miserable, she bribed me with food, and I forgave her (sorry, food is nice!). Things were back to normal- that was, until she did another thing behind my back 'for my own good' and admitted to doing it via text. I'm not going to go into detail about it, because this is not what it is about, but basically, it supported an idea that was forming in my head after the fight. An idea I already had monologues about.

This theory was about my mother in particular, and it explained why she kept... forgetting about certain things she did that bugged me (be this in small acts or big acts) even after she'd promised never to do them again. I thought I was the only one who possessed this flaw, and my family certainly painted it to be so. However, I realized that my mother has for the longest time, but her acts, unlike mine, often go under the radar.

The first proof of this is a very simple and common occurrence. Sometimes I'd tell her something, she'd nod, and we'd think we understood each other perfectly. Then, a few days from that, we'd be arguing over what had really passed between us- with a lot of you-said-I-said's.

The second one wasn't very obvious at first, but now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense. You see, there's a pattern I've come to notice during the times I get upset with my mom. I'd act very coldly towards her, she'd beg me to forgive her, and when I don't, she'd start crying, which would prompt me to do so. I'm not saying my mother has crocodile tears, or uses them as a strategy, because her tears and the emotions behind them are 100% real. What I'm saying is that the last time she cried in front of me (which was over my Coloring pencils, check out the other post), she was talking about her struggles and how stressed she was at the office and at home, how horrible the feeling was. Perhaps my mother is one of those people who are perpetually stressed and slightly depressed.

And you know what? Every time she did cry and released these suppressed emotions in front of me, she was talking about herself. I don't mean to be insensitive, but I would be lying if I said I didn't grow tired of her excuses. They don't affect me as much as they used to, even though I don't doubt the truth in what she is saying (most of the workload usually falls on my mom, as my dad is a happy-go-lucky fellow who strolls in the mall everyday). But honestly... talking about your own horrible feelings to someone who is also feeling awful doesn't always work. Sometimes, the person doesn't want to hear about your crappy life story. Most of the time, the person just wants you to leave her alone or apologize.

And so, a day after the event, I came to a realization, and two days after the event, I replied to her text with this:
You hear what I say but you don't listen. That's why you keep doing the same things to me.

Of course, things are all right now. I wasn't really that mad at mom anymore. Hopefully, she'll start listening more to me this time around.

I do believe that this mentality applies to humans in general. We are narcissists and care about things that concern ourselves. I assume this is something natural and goes all the way back to Charles Darwin's  theory or that popular phrase everyone's heard a thousand times- that you need to look out for yourself in order to survive.

But this has also given me a new view on everyone around me- my family, friends, classmates, and teachers. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. I shall observe them and find out just what kind of people they are.

XOXO
Bea

Coloring Pencils

My mom is crying and my sister's upset, but I don't care. I don't friggin care. I just want to get away from the both of them. I don't want to hear their stupid excuses, like SCREW YOU. SCREW BOTH OF YOU FOR NOT HONORING MY PERMISSION. I don't want to talk to either of you until I've calmed down. Stop playing the victim, jeez. I am so done with all of this. Leave me alone. I clearly am not in the mood to make up with either of you.

What was the grave offense they committed? They took one of my precious possessions and used it even after I made it clear to my sister not to touch it. But no, she had to go to my mom and tell her that we did not have any other pencils of that color, and show her my set of color pencils when I wasn't around NEVERMIND THE FACT THAT I JUST TOLD HER NEVER TO USE THEM. And my dear sweet mother who was aware that I didn't like it when people used my things without permission? My dear sweet mother told her to go ahead and use them.

After this discovery, I found out that this wasn't a one time thing. Oh, no. They'd been using my pencils way before my sister even asked me. My sister used my precious coloring pencils on three different occasions. And they didn't even tell me.

SCREW BOTH OF YOU. I'm trying really hard not to swear right now but I AM JUST DONE WITH ALL OF THIS. I AM FURIOUS. I would've ripped and crumpled my sister's artwork and punched her in the face if I didn't control myself. Why didn't I? Aside from it being the wrong thing to do, I'd have ended up looking like the bad guy. My parents would've told me that I was selfish because that's how it always goes. I'M ALWAYS THE VILLAIN. And now, even when I've learned to control myself, somehow I'm still the petty one who can't get over a few coloring pencils. Somehow my mother has to start crying and sobbing in front of me because it hurts her.

Well, I'm not talking to either of you. That set of pencils wasn't just something I bought at the bookstore. It was a token from a cousin of mine last prom. They were given to me because she was symbolically passing over her creativity and ability to draw and that meant a freaking big deal. I loved these pencils, and wanted them to always stay in the condition as on the night i received them.

TOO BAD, BEA. Now, not only have they been used, one of the pencils is missing. And neither of my family members had the decency to apologize.

So, dear sweet mother and sister, SUCK YOUR TEARS BECAUSE I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH ANY OF YOUR EXCUSES ANY LONGER. I'm not asking for much. Just leave me alone until I get over this.

Xoxo

Bea

The Hitch of The Easily Distracted

I was able to catch up with a very close uncle of mine today. We are only twelve years apart, which means that while he is adult enough to get on with the older members of my extended family-slash-clan, he is still pretty young and relatable to me and my siblings.

In my last post, I mentioned that I fell from first honors in our class rankings to second place, and he did not take this lightly. He has always been the person who pushed me the hardest- or, rather, pushed me the most vocally. Being someone who lives far away, I don't think there is any other way to motivate people but to give them pep talks through chat messages and during the rare occasions that you do meet personally. My mother tells me that grades don't matter as much as attitude does, but she also pushes me to be more studious with subtle actions like reminding me to study, or asking me about my homework all the time. My uncle, on the other hand, has to be direct and clear.

Back to the story, he isn't too pleased about my current standing, and he wants me to change a few of my bad habits (and he doesn't like to use the word 'weakness')- namely, being easily distracted. Why does he put so much emphasis into trying to control this? Because being easily distracted means less study hours and more... distraction hours.

This is where the problem comes along. Basically, this weakness of mine is inborn. I'd like to think I don't have ADHD (no matter how many times my mom says that I do and despite not ever having tried to get diagnosed before). Maybe I just have too many strings of thought at once. Whatever the case, it isn't something I can turn off whenever I want to. People notice it, too- during the times I talk to them and my eyes flit away for a quarter of a second, during the times they catch me blanking out and daydreaming. I get bored easily. I am fond of multitasking. I write and draw and play instruments and google bits of information on paradoxes and other things during my free time.

That being said, this horrible trait of mine needs to be changed, or that's what my uncle was getting at, at least. The next big problem I'd have to deal with is my stubbornness. Honestly speaking, a huge part of me doesn't even want this 'weakness' to go away. These side-activities and habits are where I get my creative juices from. Losing this semi-ADHD-ish quality I posses might stop my mind from wandering. If there's anything can be sure of in my sixteen years of existence, it's that I love exploring, imagining, and visiting realms through my mind more than anything.

Of course, I couldn't say any of this to him because he just wouldn't get it.And it would look like a feeble excuse from his perspective. He'd rebut it immediately, and I'd have to bite my lip and keep my own counter-arguments at bay, because there would be no way he was going to back down, and we'd probably reach an impasse. Too much energy wasted for nothing.

What I did tell him was that I was built this way, and that school didn't challenge me enough. He rebutted this of course. He said a few things ( like how it will affect me not only now but later in life) but I kept quiet because they didn't bother me that much. College would be a different ballgame- that was for sure. I will definitely step my game up. I am ready for the sleepless nights (ha! As if my nights aren't already sleepless...) and am prepared to dedicate more hours to studying.

These are my plans, and I hope I won't eat my words when the time comes. For now, I'll try to see what I can do for myself, and how to minimize this trait at the very least. I don't want another 'I told you so!' from my uncle.

There is no revelation at the end of this post; no answer to this problem because I simply haven't figured it out yet. Is being easily distracted a disease, and can it be cured? Will I be able to turn it into an advantageous thing? I really hope I would.

Perhaps All You Need Is Confidence

Oh, Bea. What is it? Why do people even think that you're brilliant? I mean, honestly. You're pretty smart... you know that. But aside from the general ability to understand lessons and absorb topics quickly, well, you're not exceptional. You're not superior.

Why do people insist that you're a lazy genius? Why do they think that you don't try hard enough? That you don't work hard? You do. Hell freaking yes you definitely do. Sure, you're prone to distractions and starting late, but you do study. And you study until midnight sometimes. That's dedication... isn't it?

Also, you're definitely not the brightest among your siblings. You might have been the smartest child a year ago or two, but things have changed. You don't feel too bad about it because being second best takes a lot of weight and pressure off your shoulders. Always having to achieve the same things as your older brother, always having to be the brightest star... that was really stressful, wasn't it? Bea, Bea, Bea. Why do they still think you're the smartest? You're not secretly flattered as you are confused and incredulous.

You definitely don't think you're smarter than your older brother or younger sister for that matter. You don't believe you have any cards up your sleeve. No secret abilities... nein! What are these people seeing? You cannot understand what makes you, well... 'exceptional'. You wish you were kidding yourself but you really aren't. You're nothing but someone who happens to be a bit bight and imaginative. You don't really have anything else going for you... no photographic memory... you have pretty bad memory, actually.

These people who've been trying to get you to believe in yourself... they aren't liars. You trust in their opinion... maybe just not on this particular one. Maybe you're like an unreleased album- made to be really flashy and interesting from the outside, but actually lame once you open it.

The honor roll just came out today. You're in Second place. You used to be the First honor, but you aren't devastated by this news. You're okay. You expected worse. At the same time, however, you realize that you need to step up. You need to become the Valedictorian- not for yourself but for your clan (especially for that certain uncle of yours).

You're happy for your friend, though. While the computation for both of your grades are somewhat questionable (and not because you're bitter or anything, but the scores just don't add up right), you know that she definitely deserved getting First place. Besides, she hasn't received this much recognition since Sixth grade. You're happy for her. Legitimately happy.

But here come your parents and family friends, telling you about a certain rule that your school didn't follow. Telling you that you would've been first if you presented the memo to your school and reminded them of that rule. They tell you that it's only right, that you're not only doing this for yourself but also for future academically inclined students who too might be cheated of their grades. With all this being said, you do believe in this cause. You do think it's honorable and would have immediately done what they told you to do if it weren't for your friend. Everyone's been congratulating her, being happy for her, and it feels like too much of a sin to take that away. You don't know what to do. You wouldn't want people to think wrongly of you. You're confused, Bea.

However, with all of these things happening, you remember a certain event that made you really happy today. Your class adviser walked over to you and whispered, "Don't be discouraged." You smiled. You realized that underneath the shadows, a lot of people were rooting for you- your teachers, friends of your parents, etc. You realized that you aren't totally alone in this. You remembered that really intelligent guy in school who predicted that you'd be Vale four years ago (that was during the time he was graduating). You remembered the lot of parents who thought you deserved the position.

So, dear Bea, please be the Valedictorian. Do it for the people who believe in you. You now have them to fight for.

Written: 11/29/13. I'd forgotten to publish it.

Worst Day Ever

I am just so done with this friggin school. I want to leave. I love my classmates, but eh, everything sucks. There is no order, no homey feeling... it's just a place with annoying people and a screwed up educational system.
Take me away. Take me home, because this is not it.

#badday
XOXO
Bea

What Would Beabot Say?

What would I say? (what-would-i-say.com) is a site/app that is trending on Facebook as of the moment. I've seen a bunch of my friends use it, and honestly, most of the generated statuses were hilarious and spot-on. I decided to try it out, and it was... pretty weird but fun.

Something I noticed, however, was how freakishly close the words and phrases were to how I used to chat with people on Facebook. I felt the pressing sense of recognition enough times to realize that, yes, this app doesn't only collect data from your statuses and about page, it somehow gains access to your chat messages too. And yes, this app is a photocopying machine that reproduces your phrases down to the punctuation.

I admit, I've posted more than 20, 000 tweets on Twitter. That being said, privacy is still something I'm very particular and concerned with. I wouldn't ever allow social networking sites to determine my exact location much less post it anywhere. I am still an extremely paranoid person.

And, well, from that realization, my thoughts escalated quickly.

I know you've probably heard this before, but I realize how much advanced technology and a widespread communication system like ours is like a double-edged sword. We spend over an hour on the internet everyday broadcasting our thoughts, uploading our personal pictures and information; basically making ourselves more accessible to the world. Everyone is so public, in fact, that even people from far-off places can be reached. The sad part about this? We spend too much time trying to connect with people who are far away but those physically close to us are forgotten. And you can tell that the world is getting really pathetic when most face-to-face conversations are more awkward than those held online.

We are starting to rely too heavily on social networking sites and technology in general. A post on Facebook that doesn't generate any likes is worthless. People are starting to post everything online- and, yes, being able to document your thoughts/life events and share them with friends is what social networking is all about, but there is a limit. The way I see it, people have gotten so engrossed with making their lives seem interesting and fun that they've forgotten what real fun is.

This goes for me, too, because I am certainly guilty of doing these things all the time. And... here's the deal: while I want my generation to stop its addiction to the internet, I'm pretty sure the world is heading towards that direction. I'm pretty sure we're all too late to stop any of these trends. We aren't too far off from ending up like those fat earthlings in WALL-E.

In conclusion, while I believe that there is no hope for mankind to ever go back to the old ways, I do believe that there is hope for me as an individual. I believe that I can make my life more than just a series of images you can scroll past on Facebook or 20 thousand something pointless tweets.

I can't change the world, but coming to this realization and changing my habits is enough for me.

Post- Catching Fire Thoughts

THE ODDS ARE NEVER IN OUR FAVOR.

I just got home from watching Catching Fire, and wow... everyone really outdid themselves this time. How do I even begin to explain this? The movie was perfect, A++, would watch again, wouldn't change a thing. Fans will definitely not be disappointed. This movie got everything right. It was so good that it gave me the urge to reread the entire series, and I'm not the only one who's planning to.

All key events were present. The movie stayed very, very true to the book right up to the dialogue. I have to say, I wasn't very excited to watch it. The first movie was alright, but it wasn't spectacular. This one was at a whole new level. What I loved the most was the how much attention they paid to including little things from the book- tiny details that were hard to translate from text to action. An example of this would be when Peeta hits the force field and almost dies. Katniss panics. Then, we get a subtle close-up of Finnick as he watches her, and only those who've read the books will understand what he's thinking of at that moment. Another one is Prim. She seems more mature somehow... definitely less fragile. We realize that she isn't the little kid we saw in the first movie anymore.

The actors were superb. The scenery and sets were magnificent. The costumes were beautiful. The story and dialogue flowed smoothly. All of these little bits fell into place and made for a compelling movie.

Now, maybe it's because I used to be emotionally invested in the book series, but I almost cried over some of the more dramatic scenes. There were times I had to look away from the screen because they were too overwhelming and I was in danger of bursting into tears (*cough* Rue *cough*). My friends cried a lot of times. This movie just gave me so many feels.

Finnick came as the best surprise to me. I was kind of disappointed the first time I saw a promotional picture of him. The actor just didn't look the part, and I admit, he didn't look hot enough. But like most actors, I warmed up to him and while I'm not completely sold yet, I'm excited to see Finnick's sensitive and darker side in Mockingjay.

Overall, the movie was awesome. Like, mindbogglingly I-want-to-watch-it-again-as-soon-as-possible-y so. I won't be talking about anything but Catching Fire for the rest of the week and- who knows- the month. I'll be rereading the books as soon as I can too, and buy myself a Mockingjay pin while I'm at it.

Kudos to everyone who helped make this story come to life. They deserve all the awards.

Flightless Bird

This song has been stuck in my head all week. Something about it screams simplicity and romance, even though I don't understand the lyrics too well. It's a beautiful minimalist piece, and I don't know how to describe the mood it exudes-- perhaps desperation and remorse, but also wistfulness and longing.

When I listen to it, a particular image flows into my mind- an adolescent boy and girl slow-dancing as though they are the only ones in the room. Young love at its finest. At which point does the platonic love between these two individuals evolve into romance? At which point does the nature of their friendship shift? The only thing we can be sure of is that when they look into each other's eyes, when they talk about pointless things and laugh, they have never experienced anything this way before. No sight has ever been so beautiful. No joke has ever been so hilarious. The thoughts and emotions triggered by the little smiles and touches are novel, pure, and sublime.

Edit: I just saw the Twilight scene... oh gosh. This was totally not supposed to sound like a Twilight post or anything... I haven't even watched the movies. But that last paragraph.. I swear the context is different. I didn't know Twilight had a slow-dancing scene while the song played. I was thinking of something else. Sigh...
xoxo
Bea

Thoughts on Angels

Romans 8:17"

Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

I go to a Christian youth gathering every Saturday. This week, while I was listening to the speaker deliver his message and talk about the verse above, something occurred to me. We, as the children of God, are entitled to wonderful things when we go to heaven. The human being is definitely the Lord's favorite creation. We are his heirs. Earth was created to be ruled by us. Those of us who make it to heaven will be treated like royalty, where anything and everything needed will be provided without a second's delay.

But what about angels? What were they ever going to be but servants? Did they have their own wishes and dreams? Was there anything more to their existence?

I realized that even in Heaven, where everything is supposed to be perfectly fair and equal, there is a need for lesser beings to exist. We, the humans, will be happy and fulfilled, but angels will act as our servants. Are they satisfied with their purpose in life? I don't know. One thing I do know, however, is that the 'selfish' angels who revolted against God were punished severely and sent to Hell. Is obedience and goodness something that is programmed in all of them? Probably not. 

The thing is, you can't have good without the bad, success without failure. You can't be rich if nobody is poor. You cannot understand what light is if you haven't experienced darkness.

Perhaps this is the way the universe works. Perhaps not even Heaven can change this truth. Of course, these are the musings of a sixteen-year-old girl. Perhaps someday, I will discover another truth and figure this all out.

Choices

I am standing behind a black gate- slightly taller than I am- as I wait for my ride to pick me up. The gate is shaped like a thin wall with a few metal bars on top, and since there are no holes except for the ones between the metal bars, I have to stand on my toes to get a good view of the outside. I am annoyed because I have been waiting for a good ten minutes for my car to arrive and when it comes to things like this, I am not a very patient person.

It is five in the afternoon, and from behind the gate I am able to observe several things at once. I see a group of boys laughing nonchalantly and talking in their native dialect. I see a mother and her children going home. I see a woman in her twenties walking briskly towards the end of the street. I see a bunch of vehicles- motorcycles, cars, jeepneys- moving at different speeds and directions. It occurs to me that all of these people are going about their usual order of things, unaware of my attentive eyes.

I stand there, watching the neighborhood come alive for few more minutes until I notice the greyish-blue hue of the sky. It had been a clear, bright orange just a few moments before. The sun is not completely gone; there is still a bit of brightness left, but I notice that the shadows have gotten longer, and it would not be long before it is evening.

I do not want to be here at night, I think, as I watch more people pass by the street. Even small towns and ordinary neighborhoods become obscure and dangerous after dusk. Still, there is no sight of the shiny red car that is my only way home, and so I stand behind the gate, on my toes, waiting for it to arrive. 

I am reminded of something I'd seen months ago, a place that also had black walls and held the sort of people who were so absorbed in own thoughts that they didn't realize when someone was watching them. Of course, the place I am talking about was much much bigger and had a lot of buildings, but the gate will serve as an adequate metaphor for what I am trying to describe.

As I watch from behind the black gate, and my eyes get used to the darkened surroundings- the shadowy areas and unexplored parts- I come to a realization. What am I doing here, exactly? Why am I not outside, pursuing an adventure of my own, and what do I expect to gain from watching strangers pass by? In that moment, I begin to see the neighborhood for what it really is, or what it can be. Suddenly, the little building at the end of the street doesn't seem so dangerous anymore.

What is this all about, exactly? What does it matter if I am behind the gate or outside? Of course, deep inside, I already know. More than anything, this is about my future, a path I am going to take. More importantly, a choice I was making, or one that I am about to make in a few months.

Here's the thing: In four months or less, I am going to be leaving my home to go to college in another city. Which university will I be attending, exactly, is something I haven't decided on yet, even though I've spent countless hours thinking about it. In sixteen weeks or so, I will be saying goodbye to my family, school, and basically everything I've grown accustomed to in my life- the lovely smell of the trees in my backyard, delicious home-cooked meals served to us three times a day, being able to sleep soundly at night. All of these things will be swamped by the fast-paced draw of city life.

On the other hand, it is an adventure- something I've been looking for all my life. A choice between hiding behind the gate to get a glimpse of others, or embracing the dangers and stepping outside, even if that meant a lot things would definitely change.

I smile, seeing a particularly shiny red car come to a stop at the street. I swing the black gate open and step outside. It is not the car that makes me happy. I smile because I come to a realization. It didn't matter whether the car had arrived or not. In that moment, I would have opened the gate and gone out either way.

Survivor

I am sad

devastated

worried

afraid

restless

and above all

guilty

because I am okay

and my friends might be

sad

devastated

afraid

restless

and above all

dead.

A Day Before The Storm

Today, I went biking. My legs are cold from the biting wind and the droplets of rain that it brought along, but I felt wonderful. I haven’t gone biking in a long time, partly because the only bike I am tall enough to ride belongs to my brother, and partly because I don’t have the time for it. So today, when I rode my bike and pedaled across the neighborhood, it felt like the first time in years.

It was thrilling. I don’t know what it is about the wind blowing past your face, causing your jacket and hair to fly, or being able to control how fast you go through the pedal and breaks. I don’t know what it is about those things that make me feel like I’m a heroine from a western movie or novel.

Anyway, as I ride on my bike and take in my surroundings, I am overcome with a pressing premonition of danger. The sky is covered with clouds, and the atmosphere is chilly. The trees sway with the wind in an almost hypnotic fashion, as though they possess some kind of wooden magic. Everything moves slowly, and the clouds that hang above us are thick and grey.

When I reach the front of my neighborhood—the part where you can see the main road opposite it, I am slightly surprised to be met with silence. The road is empty, and it is the first time I've seen it this way. No cars whooshing past, no jeepneys stopping at the corner of the road, and no people walking by. Nothing.

The entire world seems quiet today. The dogs I usually fear have stopped barking and are hidden, and everyone is at their homes. The wind is rustling ever-so-carefully, and apart from me and my bicycle, the world is still.

It is this subtle atmosphere that makes most people feel panicked. It is like the way the sea pulls back before releasing a gigantic wave. It is the calm before the storm. In this case, the storm of the year.

When I return to my house, I am aware that Typhoon Haiyan/Yolanda will hit my place in a few hours. I am aware that after one day, the world won’t quite be the same, and some of my things will have been broken. I am aware that my backyard and everything past the gate of my house will have been flooded. Above all, I know that there is nothing I can do.

I am aware of all these things, and so, like mother nature, I brace myself and wait for it to arrive.

Written yesterday: Nov. 7, 2013.

xoxo
Bea

Another Chilly Breeze Poem

A chilly breeze that blows
left and right, left and right.
making trees sway
as darkness comes to bite.

xoxo
Bea

Someday

Someone who would stay up at midnight to have a chat with me.

Someone who just understands.

Someone who doesn't try too hard to impress me.

Someone who doesn't see me as a shy and fragile person.

Someone who'd rather talk in person than chat or text.

Someone who has a great sense of humor.

Someone who feels passionate about a number of things.

Someone who is nice but not quite obviously so.

Someone who can play a musical instrument, or try at least.

Someone who can follow what I'm going on about even half the time.

Someone who smells nice.

Someone who can appreciate art.

I will find you.

"Nasty Habits" Review

I just finished watching Once Upon a Time 3x04 "Nasty Habits" after downloading the video file for eleven hours (yes, my internet connection speed can get crappy at times) only to find out that it was infected and had gotten deleted by my antivirus. I settled on streaming the video online, and it took a while for my internet speed to pick up so I had to wait some more. Needless to say, by the time I actually got to watch it, I was in need of a good, satisfactory episode.

Now, I don't claim to be an expert at reviewing films or shows; this is actually my first time doing something like this. This isn't going to be a formal review; it's an assessment from someone who enjoys watching the show. Okay. Here I go.

Nasty Habits
While I enjoyed last week's episode (Quite a Common Fairy) more, this one wasn't too far behind. It was much less eventful. I thought that the flashback was very simple compared to what the show usually offers, but I'll take it. Rumpelstiltskin and Baelfire-centric episodes are always nice to watch (or maybe just Rumple-centric episodes in general). It wasn't too thrilling, plot wise, but an episode with character development as the focus as opposed to a plot-driven one is refreshing. Rumplestiltskin's house and the village looked visually appealing. I wish they made the boys-dancing-around-the-fire scenes a bit more flashy, because it really just looked like a bunch of people dancing around a bonfire, and not euphoric boys possessed by the pipe magic which I would've enjoyed more.

Overall, this feels more like a filler episode meant to set the stage for next week's 'Good Form'.

Okay. Now I'll proceed to write about what I thought of the individual characters. (This is going to be a lot less formal).

Yes to Daddy's Oversized Shirts

Today, my family took out a box full of unused clothes that we'd bought on our vacations a long time ago. I don't really understand why my mother thinks it's a good idea to store them until such time that we've actually forgotten we ever bought these items, but she does. Most of these clothes end up scruffy, and a good portion of them aren't ever worn (oh, the horror!).

However, today must be special because my family decided to open those boxes and take a look at the clothes. It's always fun to see new shirts, pants, and shorts scattered on the floor (in an oddly tidy fashion, and I really can't describe it in any other way). I ended up rummaging for clothes I could take and tuck safely in my closet. Most of the shirts and shorts on the floor were the ones my dad bought, though, and I wasn't able to find anything that fit me.

As I was about to go, a navy blue colored shirt (it doesn't look that way in the picture) caught my attention, and I took it from dad's pile (rather sloppily, hehe). It looked so comfy and nice that I asked my mom if I could have it, and she consented instantly.

Anyway, I forgot where I was going with this, but let me just say that oversized shirts are the best! They are comfier than your regular shirt, and are just generally fun things to wear at home especially when the weather is chilly. It certainly doesn't hurt to wear them outside, either, because as my guy friend says, girls can make anything look cute. (Of course, I'm not saying that females need to look and act cute. We are allowed to wear whatever the heck we want). Shirts that are stolen from your dad and brothers are even better just because.

Rain rain

Rain rain
Don't go away
Stay with me
I don't want to play

You see
I don't feel well
very much
Or
I don't feel well
at all.

Please stay with me
when no one else can see
the troubles or my pleas.

xoxo
Bea

Things I Want to Accomplish This Semestrial Break

1.) Read classic books.

2.) Improve piano skills.

3.) Write.

4.) Play guitar.

5.) Drive.

6.) Draw more.

Broken

It's been weeks since we talked; months if you don't count the awkward Hi's and Bye's. Perhaps the last time we participated in any real deep conversation was when I last saw you, before we said goodbye. We promised to keep in touch, but you and I both broke that promise. Still, I remember when the stars were so bright and the sky was full of colours; when our bonds held stronger than chemicals. Had we gotten too busy to remember? Had we made it too easy to forget?

(Written while listening to 'We Are Broken' by Paramore)
(Day 1 of Sembreak 2013)

XOXO
Bea

I'm sorry but I'm not a fuzzy little ball of love and sunshine

Why do you still expect me to be? Why do you still get shocked and hurt when I say blunt things? Why do you shower me with love and expect me to return it? I'm sorry. I really am. It's too late. I've grown up this way-- unaffectionate and apathetic. I can't really say it's your fault but it isn't wholly mine, either. Point is, you've got to stop living in that fairy tale dream of yours. I am a deeply-flawed person. I am a horrible, horrible human being. I've witnessed a part of the darkness of this world. I've experienced this darkness and kept it hidden for-- what, ten years? I have this darkness within me. I don't know how it happened, but here I am. Here we are. You've treated me wonderfully, and I haven't given you much in return. For that, I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I don't think I can change myself-- and I don't want to. I was never the sweet kid who was everything you ever wished for-- I was the problematic one you didn't see coming. I never asked for attention-- I embraced seclusion. I listened to your snores at night, thinking about every beautiful and screwed up thing that goes around in this world. I don't know how to show love, but I do care; I do listen-- you'll just have to look out for those subtle actions to believe me.

XOXO

Bea

I guess it's one of those nights again.

Yes, my eyes are wet tonight. It happened again. That thing that takes place every now and then wherein I pick a fight with my parents; wherein my mom ends up crying and we have to lock ourselves up in a room so as to not attract attention and to save ourselves the embarrassment of being discovered by my siblings. I'm okay now. Really. But I realized a lot of things tonight.

1.) I really am a bad daughter. I am a rude and selfish person who takes advantage (albeit unconsciously) of people who love her.
2.) My parents pamper me too much. If only they didn't, maybe I wouldn't have turned into the monster I am today. Maybe I would be full of love and kittens.
3.) Why I am not full of love and kittens? Because I am a rebel, introvert, and middle child. I think I didn't get pampered very much in my early childhood years, and I carried that indifferent/cold-hearted attitude up till my adolescent years. I probably can't change it either.
4.) I have to learn to listen to my parents.
5.) They, in turn, should learn when to leave me alone.
6.) I guess all of these episodes, all of these problems, all the times they ever told me that they regretted my existence, all of those nights I spent crying myself to sleep--- they made me who I am. They made me stronger.

And I guess in the near future, I will be thankful for these times. Because now, I have the need and reason to prove to everyone that I am good.

XOXO
Bea

Please Rewind and Stop

You know what, I friggin miss you. I miss seeing you everyday, hearing your voice. Nine months is a long time. I don't know how I'll be able to survive that. I just... it's hard. I go to school everyday and end up staring at corners, thinking of you. Screw you. Sometimes I get along with my classmates, and I think, hey, this isn't so bad, but a few days later, I realize that they will never compare to you. Not ever. It's different. They know me, but not well enough. Anyway, I keep getting sad and shiz, and I don't know how to turn it off. I want to see you again, talk to you. I miss those times. I miss you. :(

You as a collective word. :P
One of those ranty nights.

XOXO
Bea

Since all I've been writing these past few days/weeks/months were dramatic, emotional stuff...

I think it's time for a light post.

Here's my 16th birthday cake. Twas such a surprise 

Weeeeee~ :)

In other news, being Student Council president is hard work... I ain't got no free time no more. :(

Oh well... I signed up for this, and I guess it wouldn't feel right if I don't have a lot of things to do... I wouldn't feel very accomplished.

Yeah... gonna keep pretending I'm fifteen. x)

I'm not that old, am I?

xoxo

Bea

You Know What Broke My Heart Today?

It was the sight of green paint that had peeled off in some areas a long time ago; the sound of a love song playing on the radio a few houses away; the smell of food cooked a few hours past. It was the realization that a lot of people in the world work harder than I or my parents ever do or ever will and yet here they are, struggling to support themselves and their families, and here we are, complaining about our beds being too stiff, or our food not being delicious enough.

Tsk.
(written last Sunday)

XOXO
Bea

Sweet

It's dusk and I lay on my bed, staring at the window. It's that time of the day again yet I am not sad. I look at the pale blue sky I've always tried to avoid; somehow, it does not depress me today. Rather, excitement builds up on my chest and I wait for nighttime to come. It's a foreign feeling, and I'm not sure what to think of it yet.

They gather around me smiling, joyous and far more excited than I am. This surprises me, but it's a pleasant experience and one that doesn't come so often. I've been accustomed to a dull and mundane world, and this day should have flew by like any other.

It's weird, different, wonderful-- so, so wonderful when something like this happens. As I get up, I realize that it's night. I head downstairs and watch the moon and stars come into full view.

The cake is sweet.

XOXO
Bea

To The Best Summer Ever!

Honestly though, I don't know what to say.
I'm soooo thankful for this summer. I still can't understand how the heck I got in.
But I did. God's grace, I think. :)

It's hard to sum up the entire experience. I can't say much because my friends are stalkers and I do not want them to uncover this blog.

But it is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I am so, so, so thankful.

Friends, Wisdom, Insights, Experiences, Everything.

XOXO
Bea

Alone

Then again, there are people who compare. These people are not in my batch.
Most of them have graduated.
I am alone...

Oh well.

XOXO
Bea

No Comparison

The thing is, these people I've known my entire life... will never compare to the people I've met this summer. I've tried looking at the brighter side of things, tried believing that they are just as awesome, but... they aren't.
Well, maybe they are. They're cool in their own little way, but not in a way that fits me.
We are different people. I can never go back to my old life... not after this summer experience.
I will always compare both sets of friends... and my old ones don't compare.

So dramatic. lol.

XOXO
Bea

They don't understand

They never will. But they don't matter. Not really, not anymore. I hate how close-minded they can be, but some people are just built that way, I guess. Some people can't see beyond their own scope in life. Some people can't put themselves in the shoes of others.

They'd talk about me when I get back. I'm pretty sure. This isn't an imaginary audience or anything; this is how they roll. I've been with them since childhood, and I've always been able to not get hated on. Not anymore, though. I will not consort to the standard of their society. I won't let their truths override mine.

They don't matter-- not if they can't see my point of view.

xoxo
Bea

How To Get The Script To Follow You

Let's start this post by saying that the first concert I ever went to was by The Script.
Let's continue the thought by saying I didn't plan on going to the concert. It was a last minute thing.

Our family was visiting our relatives in Singapore. We went to this Computer mall to buy random shiz. Since we were staying at this fancy hotel with a cool pool *cough* Marina Bay Sands *cough* and my cousin was a swimmer athlete, mom suggested that they come swim with us.

Then, my aunt said that our girl cousin had a concert to attend.
When I found out that The Script was going to Singapore to perform that night, I freaked out.

Yes, I really wanted to come. Who wouldn't?

So, anyway, it was awesome! My seat didn't have a good view, though, because the concert was almost sold-out.

What I did, the smart (AKA Common Sense-ful) cookie that I am, was to leave my seat entirely and just stand up for the entire duration. No regrets

Old View

New View

After that, we went back to our hotel. I was still crazy over The Script at that point, and I wished wished wished with all my heart that they stay at my hotel.

My cousins came with me to the elevators then we split up.

Approximately one hour after that, my mom checked her phone. It was a message from my cousin...

Telling me that they saw The Script while going outside. At my hotel. (!!!)
My dad wouldn't let me wait outside the bar because it was about 12:30am at that point. He was also scared that I'd be kidnapped, which was ridiculous because 1. It was a high-class hotel. 2. We were in Singapore.

But anyway, I resorted to tweeting The Script to come to my room so I could take a picture with them. Don't judge. I was in a fragile state and desperate!

I tweeted over 80 times in 3 hours, and this happened.

What the heck?!?!??!?!?

It isn't as good as taking a picture with them and meeting them but it's good enough. :)

So, dream high, whoever is reading this. Persevere. Anything can happen.

XOXO
Bea

I went to Singapore this summer!

And it was cool! The architecture was amazing!
I'm too lazy to make a long post so here are the highlights of the trip.

• The architecture. (One of my dreams is to become an architect so I pay really close attention to buildings, structures, etc, and the buildings here were... wow).

• Universal Studios (I love amusement parks! I tested my roller-coaster-riding limits and rode the one in the picture. The blue one is the tallest roller coaster in the world. Sadly, I took the red one first and wasn't able to take the blue one because of lack of time. Darn it! Next time for sure!)

• Marina Bay Sands (this hotel is fabulous! :P)
• The Script Concert (this was probably the best part of the trip. I'm going to make another post for this because it has a loooong story-- too long for this post).

Danny my love

• Meeting my cousins. (Awesome athletic people and when I say athletic, I mean it. I'm not talking about 'good at sports'. I'm talking about 'I'm representing my team in the national/international competition')

Anyway, as you might deduce (or not because its obvious), I love Singapore! yay!

XOXO

Bea

In which I try to be like Lily Evans and fail miserably

'Oh look,’ Bea says, picking up a flower.

It’s the same flower Lily Evans held in the movie. Bea freaks out.

Bea throws the flower into the air like young Lily did in hopes that it will fly.

But alas, it was not meant to be. Bea is heartbroken.  Bea’s dad sees what she did, and not understanding what goes on in his daughter’s mind, brands Bea as a savage flower-murderer. He takes a picture as proof.

THIS IS WHY I CAN’T GET MY OWN JAMES POTTER.

XOXO
Bea

Summer 2013

There’s a certain feeling that comes with summer, and I don’t know if anyone else can understand, but it’s a giddy sensation that strikes you at the most random times- like when you’re scrolling through posts, reading a book, or when you have nothing to do.
And while it carries a happy and hopeful mood, it is one of the saddest things in the world. It’s the feeling of wanting to be young forever but knowing that you’ll grow up someday- knowing that summer will inevitably end. The feeling of wanting time to freeze and knowing that it never will.
The sound of a summer breeze. The smell of freshness. The brightness of the sun. The feeling of forever. Life goes on.
Happy summer everyone!

XOXO
Bea

random songs I should download and put in my ipod

1.) Always Be My Baby -David Cook
2.) Time After Time -Roxette
3.) It's Alright, It's Okay- Ashley Tisdale
4.) Stay My Baby -Miranda Cosgrove
5.) Never Gonna Give You Up -Rick Astley
6.) Every Breath You Take- The Police
7.) Just A Dream -Nelly
8.) Feeling Good -Michael Buble
9.) Can We Still Be Friends -Mandy Moore
9.) When I Grow Up -Pussycat Dolls
10.) Smells Like Teen Spirit -Nirvana
11.) On My Own
12.) Right Round
13.) Jai Ho- Pussycat Dolls
14.) Big Girls Don't Cry -Fergie
15.) Heart on fire- Jonathan Clay
16.) Somewhere We Only Know
17.) The Lightning Strike -snow patrol
18.) Somewhere in Neverland
19.) Bittersweet Symphony- The Verve
20.) All Star -Smashmouth
21.) Touch My Hand -David Archuleta
22.) Crush- David Archuleta
23.) Don't you forget about me - Simple Minds