Perhaps All You Need Is Confidence

Oh, Bea. What is it? Why do people even think that you're brilliant? I mean, honestly. You're pretty smart... you know that. But aside from the general ability to understand lessons and absorb topics quickly, well, you're not exceptional. You're not superior.

Why do people insist that you're a lazy genius? Why do they think that you don't try hard enough? That you don't work hard? You do. Hell freaking yes you definitely do. Sure, you're prone to distractions and starting late, but you do study. And you study until midnight sometimes. That's dedication... isn't it?

Also, you're definitely not the brightest among your siblings. You might have been the smartest child a year ago or two, but things have changed. You don't feel too bad about it because being second best takes a lot of weight and pressure off your shoulders. Always having to achieve the same things as your older brother, always having to be the brightest star... that was really stressful, wasn't it? Bea, Bea, Bea. Why do they still think you're the smartest? You're not secretly flattered as you are confused and incredulous.

You definitely don't think you're smarter than your older brother or younger sister for that matter. You don't believe you have any cards up your sleeve. No secret abilities... nein! What are these people seeing? You cannot understand what makes you, well... 'exceptional'. You wish you were kidding yourself but you really aren't. You're nothing but someone who happens to be a bit bight and imaginative. You don't really have anything else going for you... no photographic memory... you have pretty bad memory, actually.

These people who've been trying to get you to believe in yourself... they aren't liars. You trust in their opinion... maybe just not on this particular one. Maybe you're like an unreleased album- made to be really flashy and interesting from the outside, but actually lame once you open it.

The honor roll just came out today. You're in Second place. You used to be the First honor, but you aren't devastated by this news. You're okay. You expected worse. At the same time, however, you realize that you need to step up. You need to become the Valedictorian- not for yourself but for your clan (especially for that certain uncle of yours).

You're happy for your friend, though. While the computation for both of your grades are somewhat questionable (and not because you're bitter or anything, but the scores just don't add up right), you know that she definitely deserved getting First place. Besides, she hasn't received this much recognition since Sixth grade. You're happy for her. Legitimately happy.

But here come your parents and family friends, telling you about a certain rule that your school didn't follow. Telling you that you would've been first if you presented the memo to your school and reminded them of that rule. They tell you that it's only right, that you're not only doing this for yourself but also for future academically inclined students who too might be cheated of their grades. With all this being said, you do believe in this cause. You do think it's honorable and would have immediately done what they told you to do if it weren't for your friend. Everyone's been congratulating her, being happy for her, and it feels like too much of a sin to take that away. You don't know what to do. You wouldn't want people to think wrongly of you. You're confused, Bea.

However, with all of these things happening, you remember a certain event that made you really happy today. Your class adviser walked over to you and whispered, "Don't be discouraged." You smiled. You realized that underneath the shadows, a lot of people were rooting for you- your teachers, friends of your parents, etc. You realized that you aren't totally alone in this. You remembered that really intelligent guy in school who predicted that you'd be Vale four years ago (that was during the time he was graduating). You remembered the lot of parents who thought you deserved the position.

So, dear Bea, please be the Valedictorian. Do it for the people who believe in you. You now have them to fight for.

Written: 11/29/13. I'd forgotten to publish it.

A Day Before The Storm

Today, I went biking. My legs are cold from the biting wind and the droplets of rain that it brought along, but I felt wonderful. I haven’t gone biking in a long time, partly because the only bike I am tall enough to ride belongs to my brother, and partly because I don’t have the time for it. So today, when I rode my bike and pedaled across the neighborhood, it felt like the first time in years.

It was thrilling. I don’t know what it is about the wind blowing past your face, causing your jacket and hair to fly, or being able to control how fast you go through the pedal and breaks. I don’t know what it is about those things that make me feel like I’m a heroine from a western movie or novel.

Anyway, as I ride on my bike and take in my surroundings, I am overcome with a pressing premonition of danger. The sky is covered with clouds, and the atmosphere is chilly. The trees sway with the wind in an almost hypnotic fashion, as though they possess some kind of wooden magic. Everything moves slowly, and the clouds that hang above us are thick and grey.

When I reach the front of my neighborhood—the part where you can see the main road opposite it, I am slightly surprised to be met with silence. The road is empty, and it is the first time I've seen it this way. No cars whooshing past, no jeepneys stopping at the corner of the road, and no people walking by. Nothing.

The entire world seems quiet today. The dogs I usually fear have stopped barking and are hidden, and everyone is at their homes. The wind is rustling ever-so-carefully, and apart from me and my bicycle, the world is still.

It is this subtle atmosphere that makes most people feel panicked. It is like the way the sea pulls back before releasing a gigantic wave. It is the calm before the storm. In this case, the storm of the year.

When I return to my house, I am aware that Typhoon Haiyan/Yolanda will hit my place in a few hours. I am aware that after one day, the world won’t quite be the same, and some of my things will have been broken. I am aware that my backyard and everything past the gate of my house will have been flooded. Above all, I know that there is nothing I can do.

I am aware of all these things, and so, like mother nature, I brace myself and wait for it to arrive.

Written yesterday: Nov. 7, 2013.

xoxo
Bea

Someday

Someone who would stay up at midnight to have a chat with me.

Someone who just understands.

Someone who doesn't try too hard to impress me.

Someone who doesn't see me as a shy and fragile person.

Someone who'd rather talk in person than chat or text.

Someone who has a great sense of humor.

Someone who feels passionate about a number of things.

Someone who is nice but not quite obviously so.

Someone who can play a musical instrument, or try at least.

Someone who can follow what I'm going on about even half the time.

Someone who smells nice.

Someone who can appreciate art.

I will find you.

Yes to Daddy's Oversized Shirts

Today, my family took out a box full of unused clothes that we'd bought on our vacations a long time ago. I don't really understand why my mother thinks it's a good idea to store them until such time that we've actually forgotten we ever bought these items, but she does. Most of these clothes end up scruffy, and a good portion of them aren't ever worn (oh, the horror!).

However, today must be special because my family decided to open those boxes and take a look at the clothes. It's always fun to see new shirts, pants, and shorts scattered on the floor (in an oddly tidy fashion, and I really can't describe it in any other way). I ended up rummaging for clothes I could take and tuck safely in my closet. Most of the shirts and shorts on the floor were the ones my dad bought, though, and I wasn't able to find anything that fit me.

As I was about to go, a navy blue colored shirt (it doesn't look that way in the picture) caught my attention, and I took it from dad's pile (rather sloppily, hehe). It looked so comfy and nice that I asked my mom if I could have it, and she consented instantly.

Anyway, I forgot where I was going with this, but let me just say that oversized shirts are the best! They are comfier than your regular shirt, and are just generally fun things to wear at home especially when the weather is chilly. It certainly doesn't hurt to wear them outside, either, because as my guy friend says, girls can make anything look cute. (Of course, I'm not saying that females need to look and act cute. We are allowed to wear whatever the heck we want). Shirts that are stolen from your dad and brothers are even better just because.

Rain rain

Rain rain
Don't go away
Stay with me
I don't want to play

You see
I don't feel well
very much
Or
I don't feel well
at all.

Please stay with me
when no one else can see
the troubles or my pleas.

xoxo
Bea