Wednesday, August 7, 2013

I'm sorry but I'm not a fuzzy little ball of love and sunshine

Why do you still expect me to be? Why do you still get shocked and hurt when I say blunt things? Why do you shower me with love and expect me to return it? I'm sorry. I really am. It's too late. I've grown up this way-- unaffectionate and apathetic. I can't really say it's your fault but it isn't wholly mine, either. Point is, you've got to stop living in that fairy tale dream of yours. I am a deeply-flawed person. I am a horrible, horrible human being. I've witnessed a part of the darkness of this world. I've experienced this darkness and kept it hidden for-- what, ten years? I have this darkness within me. I don't know how it happened, but here I am. Here we are. You've treated me wonderfully, and I haven't given you much in return. For that, I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I don't think I can change myself-- and I don't want to. I was never the sweet kid who was everything you ever wished for-- I was the problematic one you didn't see coming. I never asked for attention-- I embraced seclusion. I listened to your snores at night, thinking about every beautiful and screwed up thing that goes around in this world. I don't know how to show love, but I do care; I do listen-- you'll just have to look out for those subtle actions to believe me.

XOXO
Bea