Friday, August 1, 2014
It doesn't happen very often but sometimes, she does feel lonely. Sometimes, she resents every single human being on the planet. Sometimes, her heart feels heavy and she has to come into terms with all of her horrible thoughts and feelings. And sometimes, she has to admit that she isn't okay with it.
She hears them often enough- thoughtless jabs from her family that are meant to be funny and entertaining. She shrugs them off, sometimes throwing in a sharp rebut of her own. It has been like this for over a decade, and so she has gotten pretty used to it. She is used to being the receiving end of all these stupid jokes. Sometimes, she almost convinces herself; almost believes that she doesn't have a problem with it- until she starts reflecting over them afterwards, of course.
Because sometimes, when she is completely alone, when she is free to ponder over whatever pointless topic comes to mind, sometimes she ends up thinking about certain events, certain inconsiderate words passed between her family and her, and sometimes she wants to sink into the ground and fade into oblivion.
Yes, she does feel alone. Whatever they believe her to be- which is a cold-hearted selfish brat among other things- can cut like diamond, and yes, it can affect her, too. Because while she looks careless, insensitive, and strong-willed, a part of her is still a sixteen-year-old girl who wants to be loved.
A part of her is still a child craving for affection. A daughter secretly wishing for love and care. A person wanting appreciation. A human being dying to be accepted.
But she does not know how to show love. Not anymore. A decade of being 'bad' is a tough habit to break. She doesn't know how to say 'I love you,' or be sweet, or even kiss anyone in the cheek. She tries to, sometimes, but nobody ever notices. Sometimes they say thoughtless things that cut her like diamond.
However positively she tries to look at it, she doesn't believe that they understand her. She doesn't think they are sensitive enough hear to her wishes. She doesn't believe any single one of them would actually stop long enough to listen to her heart. And so she keeps it locked and hidden. And so she keeps herself cold and distant.
Perhaps somebody out there understands and has gone through something similar. Perhaps she just hasn't met this person yet. She often wishes she had, though. All she wants is a friend-someone who can see through her pretenses and bring down her walls. Someone who can see the hurt and anguish and the vulnerable girl underneath her persona.
Because today she feels alone, and she can't take it anymore.
(Written by an angsty sixteen-year-old several months ago)