I Am Maturing

I am quite aware of these emotional changes. I can feel myself handling situations differently. I’d rather read a book than go outside and play hide and seek. I can settle at a corner and entertain myself for hours past. I haven’t watched clouds form or move in a long time. Climbing that pole and staying at the roof suddenly seems dangerous. I am aware that some things are my fault and some people need to be forgiven. I don’t pick fights with my younger sister as frequently as I used to. I can’t see the elephant in the hat. Sometimes, I find children annoying.

And they say it’s a good thing.

But ten years ago, my uncle was sixteen and played with me and my siblings in a white room full of pictures. Ten years ago, that was the most fun I ever had. He’d chase us around and pretend to be a monster, while we regarded him as anything but. And several years ago, my uncle grew up.

He became serious and boring. Plain, like the rest of those people. He rarely visited us in the white room, and he never pretended to be a monster ever again. I wondered what it was about marriage that made people forget how to have fun. I wondered why grown-ups always frowned and didn't seem happy.

I told myself never to be like him. It wasn't cool.

And today I realize that it has already been happening… steadily, perhaps inevitably.  I realize that the sky used to be lighter and less polluted. I realize that this is just a natural reaction to the increasing number of responsibilities handed over to me. But I would give everything to go back in time, hear those old jokes and find them as amusing as I did when I was seven.

(written last week)

XOXO

Bea