Yes to Daddy's Oversized Shirts

Today, my family took out a box full of unused clothes that we'd bought on our vacations a long time ago. I don't really understand why my mother thinks it's a good idea to store them until such time that we've actually forgotten we ever bought these items, but she does. Most of these clothes end up scruffy, and a good portion of them aren't ever worn (oh, the horror!).

However, today must be special because my family decided to open those boxes and take a look at the clothes. It's always fun to see new shirts, pants, and shorts scattered on the floor (in an oddly tidy fashion, and I really can't describe it in any other way). I ended up rummaging for clothes I could take and tuck safely in my closet. Most of the shirts and shorts on the floor were the ones my dad bought, though, and I wasn't able to find anything that fit me.

As I was about to go, a navy blue colored shirt (it doesn't look that way in the picture) caught my attention, and I took it from dad's pile (rather sloppily, hehe). It looked so comfy and nice that I asked my mom if I could have it, and she consented instantly.

Anyway, I forgot where I was going with this, but let me just say that oversized shirts are the best! They are comfier than your regular shirt, and are just generally fun things to wear at home especially when the weather is chilly. It certainly doesn't hurt to wear them outside, either, because as my guy friend says, girls can make anything look cute. (Of course, I'm not saying that females need to look and act cute. We are allowed to wear whatever the heck we want). Shirts that are stolen from your dad and brothers are even better just because.

Rain rain

Rain rain
Don't go away
Stay with me
I don't want to play

You see
I don't feel well
very much
Or
I don't feel well
at all.

Please stay with me
when no one else can see
the troubles or my pleas.

xoxo
Bea

Things I Want to Accomplish This Semestrial Break

1.) Read classic books.

2.) Improve piano skills.

3.) Write.

4.) Play guitar.

5.) Drive.

6.) Draw more.

Broken

It's been weeks since we talked; months if you don't count the awkward Hi's and Bye's. Perhaps the last time we participated in any real deep conversation was when I last saw you, before we said goodbye. We promised to keep in touch, but you and I both broke that promise. Still, I remember when the stars were so bright and the sky was full of colours; when our bonds held stronger than chemicals. Had we gotten too busy to remember? Had we made it too easy to forget?

(Written while listening to 'We Are Broken' by Paramore)
(Day 1 of Sembreak 2013)

XOXO
Bea

I'm sorry but I'm not a fuzzy little ball of love and sunshine

Why do you still expect me to be? Why do you still get shocked and hurt when I say blunt things? Why do you shower me with love and expect me to return it? I'm sorry. I really am. It's too late. I've grown up this way-- unaffectionate and apathetic. I can't really say it's your fault but it isn't wholly mine, either. Point is, you've got to stop living in that fairy tale dream of yours. I am a deeply-flawed person. I am a horrible, horrible human being. I've witnessed a part of the darkness of this world. I've experienced this darkness and kept it hidden for-- what, ten years? I have this darkness within me. I don't know how it happened, but here I am. Here we are. You've treated me wonderfully, and I haven't given you much in return. For that, I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I don't think I can change myself-- and I don't want to. I was never the sweet kid who was everything you ever wished for-- I was the problematic one you didn't see coming. I never asked for attention-- I embraced seclusion. I listened to your snores at night, thinking about every beautiful and screwed up thing that goes around in this world. I don't know how to show love, but I do care; I do listen-- you'll just have to look out for those subtle actions to believe me.

XOXO

Bea

I guess it's one of those nights again.

Yes, my eyes are wet tonight. It happened again. That thing that takes place every now and then wherein I pick a fight with my parents; wherein my mom ends up crying and we have to lock ourselves up in a room so as to not attract attention and to save ourselves the embarrassment of being discovered by my siblings. I'm okay now. Really. But I realized a lot of things tonight.

1.) I really am a bad daughter. I am a rude and selfish person who takes advantage (albeit unconsciously) of people who love her.
2.) My parents pamper me too much. If only they didn't, maybe I wouldn't have turned into the monster I am today. Maybe I would be full of love and kittens.
3.) Why I am not full of love and kittens? Because I am a rebel, introvert, and middle child. I think I didn't get pampered very much in my early childhood years, and I carried that indifferent/cold-hearted attitude up till my adolescent years. I probably can't change it either.
4.) I have to learn to listen to my parents.
5.) They, in turn, should learn when to leave me alone.
6.) I guess all of these episodes, all of these problems, all the times they ever told me that they regretted my existence, all of those nights I spent crying myself to sleep--- they made me who I am. They made me stronger.

And I guess in the near future, I will be thankful for these times. Because now, I have the need and reason to prove to everyone that I am good.

XOXO
Bea

Please Rewind and Stop

You know what, I friggin miss you. I miss seeing you everyday, hearing your voice. Nine months is a long time. I don't know how I'll be able to survive that. I just... it's hard. I go to school everyday and end up staring at corners, thinking of you. Screw you. Sometimes I get along with my classmates, and I think, hey, this isn't so bad, but a few days later, I realize that they will never compare to you. Not ever. It's different. They know me, but not well enough. Anyway, I keep getting sad and shiz, and I don't know how to turn it off. I want to see you again, talk to you. I miss those times. I miss you. :(

You as a collective word. :P
One of those ranty nights.

XOXO
Bea