Goodbye.

I started blogging four years ago because I was bored and treated the internet like a shiny new toy that was yet to be unwrapped. I talked about silly things- shopping lists and annoying sisters, and that was what this entire thing was all about back then; a means of entertainment as I waited for the seemingly endless summer days to pass. This was how my mind worked at that time: watch T.V, think of something random, hurry and post it without checking for typographical errors, and feel accomplished. I was a very simple kid with a particularly limited perspective. I was almost always happy, and almost everything made sense.

Then, High School rolled out and a few things changed about me. My body started chugging out more hormones and with this came a wave of turbulent emotions. I was still mostly a heartless kid, but I became more stubborn than ever. Suddenly, fights with my parents had gotten worse, and I started caring about other things aside from my shows or my friends.

I hit my lowest point in Junior year. A series of unfortunate events coupled with successive intense arguments I had with my parents made for quite a troubled and depressed teenage girl. I still mostly kept to myself and smiled when someone else was with me, but I do remember lying in bed all weekend and chocolate being the only thing that could ease my mood.

Senior Year was a mix of the best and the worst. While I still despised a lot of things about everything around me, it was decidedly better than I had been during those horrid months the year before. And while my relationships with everyone were getting better, my situation certainly wasn't. I suddenly hated school, and everything about it stressed the heck out of me. But I could deal with that because school still ended at 4:30 every day, and so I only needed to wait for a little while before returning home and doing relaxing things.

Nevertheless, I do believe that I am very fortunate to have grown up with this type of mindset. Because regardless of whatever secret trouble I went through or my teenage angst, I'm still a naturally positive thinker. I choose to be happy and look at the bright side of things. I will always believe that someone has it worse than me, and I will always be somehow okay. In this sense, I am not a prisoner of my own mind the same way a lot of my friends are. I believe that the world can be just as bright and happy as it is bleak and desolate; that happy people can be as deep as sad ones.

And so, it's interesting to note how this blog has captured and archived several versions of me from different points in my life; how my thoughts have matured and progressed with every new thing I posted. I can see exactly how my bubbly twelve-year-old self saw the world and compare it to my angsty fifteen. It's as though somebody took snapshots of my thoughts and feelings and preserved them forever.

However, it feels as though my blog has finally reached its natural end as I'm done with High School. It's fine time to put my things in a box and set them aside until I come across them again someday. I believe that this is what I have to do with this blog. This would be the best time and way to end it.

Of course, I won't stop blogging, but I'll be in college soon. I'll be maturing differently.

And so, adios amigos! It's been a crazy and thrilling teenage ride!

XOXO
Bea

Toxic

Brother,
the love you keep
is toxic.
And from a mile away
I watch,
scowling as you suffocate
in the fumes.

But time and time again,
you return
to that barren wasteland,
that hollow trunk
for somehow you hope
no, believe-
in a long extinguished star.

To me,
you are simply foolish;
desperate.
But perhaps it is I who is
blind and silly
for I am unable to gaze past the smoke
and see the embers within.

I Am Maturing

I am quite aware of these emotional changes. I can feel myself handling situations differently. I’d rather read a book than go outside and play hide and seek. I can settle at a corner and entertain myself for hours past. I haven’t watched clouds form or move in a long time. Climbing that pole and staying at the roof suddenly seems dangerous. I am aware that some things are my fault and some people need to be forgiven. I don’t pick fights with my younger sister as frequently as I used to. I can’t see the elephant in the hat. Sometimes, I find children annoying.

And they say it’s a good thing.

But ten years ago, my uncle was sixteen and played with me and my siblings in a white room full of pictures. Ten years ago, that was the most fun I ever had. He’d chase us around and pretend to be a monster, while we regarded him as anything but. And several years ago, my uncle grew up.

He became serious and boring. Plain, like the rest of those people. He rarely visited us in the white room, and he never pretended to be a monster ever again. I wondered what it was about marriage that made people forget how to have fun. I wondered why grown-ups always frowned and didn't seem happy.

I told myself never to be like him. It wasn't cool.

And today I realize that it has already been happening… steadily, perhaps inevitably.  I realize that the sky used to be lighter and less polluted. I realize that this is just a natural reaction to the increasing number of responsibilities handed over to me. But I would give everything to go back in time, hear those old jokes and find them as amusing as I did when I was seven.

(written last week)

XOXO

Bea

Alone

It doesn't happen very often but sometimes, she does feel lonely. Sometimes, she resents every single human being on the planet. Sometimes, her heart feels heavy and she has to come into terms with all of her horrible thoughts and feelings. And sometimes, she has to admit that she isn't okay with it.

She hears them often enough- thoughtless jabs from her family that are meant to be funny and entertaining. She shrugs them off, sometimes throwing in a sharp rebut of her own. It has been like this for over a decade, and so she has gotten pretty used to it. She is used to being the receiving end of all these stupid jokes. Sometimes, she almost convinces herself; almost believes that she doesn't have a problem with it- until she starts reflecting over them afterwards, of course.

Because sometimes, when she is completely alone, when she is free to ponder over whatever pointless topic comes to mind, sometimes she ends up thinking about certain events, certain inconsiderate words passed between her family and her, and sometimes she wants to sink into the ground and fade into oblivion.

Yes, she does feel alone. Whatever they believe her to be- which is a cold-hearted selfish brat among other things- can cut like diamond, and yes, it can affect her, too. Because while she looks careless, insensitive, and strong-willed, a part of her is still a sixteen-year-old girl who wants to be loved.

A part of her is still a child craving for affection. A daughter secretly wishing for love and care. A person wanting appreciation. A human being dying to be accepted.

But she does not know how to show love. Not anymore. A decade of being 'bad' is a tough habit to break. She doesn't know how to say 'I love you,' or be sweet, or even kiss anyone in the cheek. She tries to, sometimes, but nobody ever notices. Sometimes they say thoughtless things that cut her like diamond.

However positively she tries to look at it, she doesn't believe that they understand her. She doesn't think they are sensitive enough hear to her wishes. She doesn't believe any single one of them would actually stop long enough to listen to her heart. And so she keeps it locked and hidden. And so she keeps herself cold and distant.

Perhaps somebody out there understands and has gone through something similar. Perhaps she just hasn't met this person yet. She often wishes she had, though. All she wants is a friend-someone who can see through her pretenses and bring down her walls. Someone who can see the hurt and anguish and the vulnerable girl underneath her persona.

Because today she feels alone, and she can't take it anymore.

(Written by an angsty sixteen-year-old several months ago)

XOXO

Bea

Seventeen

The clock has struck

and now I feel

a burst of sensations

shooting from within.

Smiling, thankful, joyous.

I am far from that

bubbly thirteen year old

or angsty fifteen.

No,

I have settled with

this persona

quite amicably.

It's queer-

being older,

as though you have locked

your younger self away

or tweaked how

you are perceived

ever so slightly

but with vastly different responses.

No- sixteen is far too young,

too innocent,

too foolish,

but seventeen is just right

Here, let me take you

to those places

where a day ago

you were unacceptable.

Let me tell you some secrets

for you are now mature

unlike that naive sixteen.

Oh, how big a leap it is!

An odd feeling, indeed.

Nevertheless, i'm getting

a bit used to it

somehow.

I look to the future

with wide eyes

and to the past

with crinkled ones.

Yes, these experiences

I shan't let go of

that my past selves

may live through me.

For I will always remember

Fourteen's vanity,

Fifteen's sweetness;

Even Twelve's unkindness.

And may I someday

look back on this moment

with fondness.

Thank you for this day!

And thank you for the days to come!

XOXO

Bea

15 REASONS WHY LEI IS A BETTER PARTNER FOR SHAN CAI THAN DAO MING SI

I've had several unsuccessful attempts at resuming my blogging streak and so I’ll try again with this.

This week, I was able to borrow a CD from a friend to watch the classic Taiwanese drama, Meteor Garden. Being a story that focuses heavily on romance, it was almost a given for me to get invested in a ship/pairing. The soap opera functions in such a way that it revolves around a love triangle, leaving not much room anything else. Each event is aimed at either causing a rift between the main character and a particular love interest or strengthening their relationship. In this case, because the plot is terribly simple and straightforward, you’ll find yourself preferring only either Dao Ming Si or Hua Ze Lei for Shan Cai (unless you’re into crackships).

I've always known about who she ends up with, but that didn't stop me from deciding that she was better off getting it off with the sensitive and dreamy Lei. While I do occasionally like Dao Ming Si and his feisty attitude, I believe Lei x Shan Cai would have made the better pairing with their cheesy conversations and laidback outings/dates-- whichever you prefer to call it. And here are my personal reasons for thinking so (yay it’s been a long time since I wrote a list-type post)...

 15 REASONS WHY LEI WOULD BE A BETTER MATCH FOR SHAN CAI THAN SI:

1.) He doesn't and wouldn't hit her, or any girl for that matter.

  I just generally get a bad impression when boys hit or inject any kind of physical abuse on girls. The fact that Ah Si did it more than once to Shan Cai (and other females) doesn't bode well with me. If Si loses his special feelings for her, he'll end up treating her like the other girls which is why it is also not acceptable (in my opinion) if he stops hitting her but still does it to other girls.

 2.) She gets him to talk.

   Lei has always been the quiet and reserved type but as the episodes progress and he gets closer to Shan Cai, he becomes chattier. We can also note that he's less uptight when it's just the two of them talking, and he even reveals a playful and cheeky side at times. 

 3.) He doesn't have to change himself for her.

   I like how Shan Cai changed Ah Si for the better, but the fact that he had to change so much of his personality and being for her makes me skeptical. Their love is young, and a lot of things may change when it is not so fresh anymore. Si may revert to his old self and Shan Cai will go back to hating him. Of course, this will never happen if she had ended up with Lei because she's always liked him just the way he has been, and vice versa.

 4.) She doesn't lie or hide things from him.

   I've noticed how Shan Cai always has something to hide from Si. Whether it's about meeting and getting close to other boys or losing the things he gives her, she just can't seem to tell him the truth. In contrast, she never lies to Lei and even admits to eavesdropping on his conversation with Jing. Honesty is a key factor in any relationship.

 5.) Love fades.

   When they are no longer young and hopeful, Shan Cai and Si will end up bickering all the time. This environment is stressful, which is why she's better off watching the ocean and flying kites with Lei.

 6.) They valued each other's feelings (at one point) over their personal desires.

   Shan Cai told Lei to fight for his love for Jing despite being deeply attracted to him herself. Similarly, Lei helped her look for her lost necklace and often helps her and Ah Si even though he personally fancies Shan Cai. Such love is unselfish and wonderful. Think about it, had their positions been flipped, would Dao Ming Si have done the same?

 7.) She's headstrong while he's gentle.

   Yin and Yang (as opposed to Yang and Yang). Opposites attract. A perfect match . Need I say more?

 8.) They talk about other things than love.

   Shan Cai and Si usually just insult each other and then go on about their intense love, which is good except they do it all the time. Like, the only thing they do other than what I've mentioned is expressing their love by making out or hugging, etc. They don't really seem to talk about anything else. Lei and Shan Cai talk about other topics and people which is refreshing. It also means that they cover more common ground than Shan Cai and Si.

 9.) He wouldn't force her to do something she doesn't want to do.

   Because we all know he has never and will never force her to kiss him. Si has done that twice but I'd rather not look back on it because it makes me sick.

10.) She liked and chose him first.

    There's the possibility of Shan Cai developing feelings for Ah Si in response to his devotion to her. What I'm saying is that she might suddenly wake up someday and wonder why the heck she fell in love with him in the first place. Sometimes, I feel like she ended up liking him only because he liked her. I feel like she was subconsciously pressured into falling for him. Shan Cai, of course, was smitten with Lei long before fancying Si. Lei fell for her later on in the series, but it happened when she was already preoccupied with Si. It means that he ended up liking her of his own accord, too.

11.) He isn't possessive to the point of driving her crazy.

   Possessive boys stir up a lot of drama where it isn't needed. You need to constantly worry about pleasing him, either. Good thing Lei isn't!

12.) They make each other happy.

   Notice how much Shan Cai smiles whenever she's around him, and vice versa? They're actually good at making each other laugh and lifting up their spirits. Si is usually the source of all of Shan Cai's woes and they bicker a lot of times.

13.) They flirt even as platonic friends.

   Example being that Lei calls her pretty all the time. He also invites her to a cup of coffee and they reminisce their first date. Shan Cai, on the other hand, asks to hold his hand and is comfortable with sleeping next to him and sharing a blanket. These aren't things ordinary friends would do. Maybe they've been doing them...... subconsciously? 

14.) They run to each other when they're in trouble.

   Lei is always there for Shan Cai. She runs to him whenever she has trouble with Dao Ming Si. He is her shoulder to cry on (literally), and he is the only one with whom she can share her real feelingsl. I don't  think she's that open to Si even during their happy moments. Lei is Shan Cai's guardian angel, and he always watches out for her. He even goes to the fishing village to settle her debt and bring her back to Taipei. Conversely, Shan Cai is the person that Lei can talk to the most openly (if at all) about his failed relationship with Jing. He even kisses her in the beach scene and says something along the lines of 'I can bear it in the day but the nights are unbearable.'

15.) They would have totally gotten together already if Lei didn't step aside for Si.

Because of all the reasons stated above........ Lei could have gotten Shan Cai if he wasn't such a good friend. No fights, no crying, they would have been perfect if the timing was right... sniff sniff!

I wrote this months ago and while my sentiments are the more or less still the same, I feel like the writing is a bit off... Of course, I wrote it at four in the morning when I was high on Meteor Garden feels (because Dayum that show is like a drug sometimes). Do keep in mind that I based all of these arguments on Season 1 because I have never and will probably not watch season 2. Also, as I am typing this, I doing it through the crappy mobile version, so there are probably more than enough grammatical and writing errors. I'd like to fix them but honestly I find it too tiresome to. Anyway, I'll return to this post and fix those errors sooner or later...

I guess it's been a while since I posted. This isn't exactly the best comeback post ever, but it'll have to do.

Xoxo
Bea

She Lives

I wasn't able to write or post Parts 2 and 3 of the Hong Kong trip because I got really lazy busy.

Anyway, I just got back from a retreat that is 10 hours away if you take the bus- which, we did. For personal reasons, I won't name the area because I'm too paranoid about my friends or acquaintances accidentally discovering this blog, but I will say that it's cool. Literally.

It was a 4-day trip including the travel time and actual hotel time. My classmates and I enjoyed every minute of it.

I won't go into detail and instead will post random things I took pictures of.

I am by no means a photography expert or even an enthusiast. That being said, I do like recording various things and sights and being able to capture their brilliance.

xoxo

Bea